The Good, The Bad, The Ugly of 2009

I cannot remember feeling like this before.  Ever.  

I cannot wait for 2009 to be over.

Always before, New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day meant very little to me.  It was just another day.  A new calendar.  A new picture looking back at me from my wall.  Another hash mark.  Another year older – which was neither here, nor there to me.

This year is different.  2009 just feels sour. 

In January 2009, my life was filled with highs and lows.  My marriage was strained with tension while my professional life was demanding, yet successful.  Over the course of this year, those highs and lows have traded places time and time again.  Finances have been like a roller coaster, and the truth has hurt.  I have shed many tears this year.

Yet, to put things in perspective, I really can’t complain.  I’m coming out on the other side still in a warm home, in a stronger, happier marriage, and still the mother of two bright, talented, and beautiful daughters.  Really, I have lost very little this year. 

Surprisingly, when I try to put my finger on the single greatest gift 2009 has brought to my home this year, I have to say the newest addition to my little family, our dog Daisy, definitely takes the prize.  She brought youth back to my Big Boy, Bo.  She makes my girlies and I so happy, and has been a wonderful playmate to us all.  I am so thankful for her.

Coming in a close second, the remodel of our front and back yards.  We’ve already reaped the benefit of the time, effort, and dollars FireDaddy & I invested into our back yard, in particular, at least five times over.  Both of us agree that watching the girlies run, laugh, sit, read, play, jump, chase, swing and otherwise revel in their childhood out back is one of our favorite pastimes.  They’ve camped, picnicked, splashed, dug, bubbled, chalked, planted, and meandered to their heart’s content.  It is truly a simple thing we treasure.

Unfortunately, 2009 is leaving me 10-15 pounds heavier than it found me.  Lately, my own reflection has been a bit gruesome – my hair needs cutting (and coloring), my 30-something acne has returned (destined to be a seasonal burden), and my new muffin-top makes my wardrobe more than a little less than flattering (or comfortable).  All of the above leave me unhappy with myself, in more than one way.  I’m disappointed that I have done this to myself – again.  I’m overwhelmed by the hard work that stands between “this me” and “the me I want to be” – again.  And, as my girlies are growing older and becoming increasingly more aware of their Mommy’s struggles, I’m disappointed that I’m setting such a poor example for them.  Pretty much, I suck. 

I still don’t place too much stock in New Year’s Resolutions and other such short-lived delusions.  But, everyone needs a kick in the rear at times, yes?  Everyone needs a new beginning – if even just a symbolic one.  Everyone deserves a second chance…or a third chance…or a thirty-third chance.

So there, 2009.  Be gone with you.  Don’t let the door hit you in the rear, bitch.

A Season of Giving

 

 

That is my all time favorite church song.  As an adult, I attended a particular church for a while mostly because they sang this song every Sunday at the end of the service.  And, I loved the pastor.  He was like a loving grandfather, welcoming everyone into his humble home.  Even heathens like me. :)

December first marks, for many, the beginning of the holiday season.  The season of giving.  But, sadly, I truly believe that this “season of giving” has become much more of a “season of shopping, stressing, and spending”.  I’m trying so hard this year, as I watch my daughters grow, and pray they don’t get jaded to that “giving” part, to focus on the spirit and heart of the season. 

Hell.  When I think of it that way, who needs a season? 

I want my girls to be givers.  I want them to be filled with hearts overflowing with love for their family, friends, and fellow humans.  I want them to care about the world and the people and the air, the water, the trees, the wind, the clouds in the sky, and butterflies and puppies and apples.  I do not want them to wander lonely through this world with clear vision only as far as the end of their own nose.  I do not want them to view their beliefs, their thoughts, their needs as supreme and righteous, but rather, as one of many valid perspectives. 

Not only do I want them to love and care for others, but I want them to love and care for themselves.  I want more for them than I have been able to give to myself.  I see them through mother’s eyes: eyes that see clearly every fault and every virtue – and love them just the way that they are.  They’re perfect, even their imperfections. 

Over and over and over again I’ve preached to BigGirl, “All I expect is that you do the best you can do,” so much that she now cuts me off and finishes the sentence with that annoyed tone we’ve all used with our mothers.  The one that sounds like the teachers and parents on Charlie Brown.  The one that says, “Would you stop saying that already?”  But it’s true.  I expect her to do her best at everything.  Everything.  Not just school work and dance, but friendship.  Sisterhood. Being a daughter and a dog owner.  Being a citizen of the Earth. 

I have a friend who told me once that when her daughters were young she told them, “When you lie to me, I can see crosses in the back of your eyes.”  She also said, “Even when Mommy and Daddy can’t see you, God is always watching.”  (No offense, folks…but see what I mean about being Catholic?) 

I want them to carry God, Buddha, the Golden Rule, karma, whatever it is they decide to believe in one day, in their hearts always.  I want them to be proud of their every decision – or at least 99% of them.  I want them to sleep well at night knowing they gave to the world.  They made a difference in someone’s life each day.

I read this article today that discussed the importance of giving.  It’s important in ways you may not have suspected.  I’d like to try this project, and I would love it if you would join me. 

Give a “gift” everyday for a month.

Mind you, “gifts” aren’t always tied in pretty paper and ribbons.  A gift, says the article, could be simply saving the last piece of cake for your husband.  Or, perhaps you go out of your way to make your children their favorite meal one night.  Perhaps you give your change to a neighbor’s or friend’s child.  Perhaps you volunteer your time in a classroom – helping someone other than your own child.  Maybe you bring your co-worker coffee unexpectedly one day.  The bottom line is – do something thoughtful and nice for someone without expecting anything in return, other than perhaps a smile and a “thank you”.

I’m going to try it.  I hope you will too.

Let there be peace on Earth, and let it begin with me.

And I'm Not Even Catholic

I started a post last week about Earth Day.  Unfortunately, my skatter-brained self, amidst an extremely busy week ('tis the season for that kind of week in my little world), never made it back to the draft.  It's too bad, too.  I was going to toot my own horn a little about all the little things I've done this year to become more of a friend of the environment.  What can I say?  Green is the new pink?

But alas, that post may never see the light of day.  

Tonight, though, my mind overrunneth with words I'd like to share with you.  I'd like to share a few thoughts with you this evening about GUILT.  Some say it is a useless emotion...but it is strong.  It is powerful.  It is life altering.  

Some of us are more suceptible to guilt than others.  Take Catholics for instance.  I, personally, am a far cry from Catholic.  I have, though, had a plethora of Catholic friends during my life.  One thing I've observed that they all seem to have shared is their intense feelings of GUILT.  

I ask you, HOW CAN THEY NOT struggle with this???  The emotion seems to be a building block in the foundation of the religion.  Hello?...CONFESSION?  PURGATORY?  The very structure of the religion lends itself to creating a population of guilt-sufferers.

 

I, on the other hand, am apparently just one of the lucky few who are genetically predisposed to suffer from this so-called "useless emotion".  Take, for instance, my dinner this evening.

I've been making an effort to cook more dinners during the week.  I'm resolved to cutting the cord that binds my family to the convenient, yet unhealthy, fast food options that surround us.  As a cook, however, I bore easily.  I seldom make the same recipe more than twice, excepting a small selection of favorites.  I'm also trying to force encourage Fire Daddy and my little princesses to like fish.  So, this weekend, I dug deep into my memory and culinary "expertise" and decided I'd grill some teriyaki swordfish, with a side of Asian style rice and vegetables.  Sounds yummy, right?

Until I found myself thinking about the sustainable seafood guides I'd seen recently....and Happy Feet...and Earth...and I began to wonder how my dinner rated on the "eco-friendly" scale.  

Turns out, according to the Monterey Bay Aquarium's seafood guide, chances were 4 out of 5 that my fish was at least OK -- environmentally speaking.  I felt the need to air my own dirty laundry, though, so I made this tweet on twitter on my lunch hour.

All I wanted to do was air my guilt, right?  Confess and you shall be forgiven.  I'll learn from my mistakes and do better next time.  

My "Cyber Cuz" thought differently.  

He proceded to send me a virtual barrage of guilt-inducing tweets in reply to my pitiful plea for forgiveness and understanding.  One tweet even included this link, which I proceded to watch and become even more depressed as a result of my own, self-inflicted guilt and the unexpected discovery that orange roughy is has also been black balled in the world of seafood.  

Gee. Thanks, Cuz.  I totally appreciate your furthering my guilt.  Got it.  Lesson learned.  I know I should be thanking you for educating me (thanks, really...no joking), because I did learn something,  but can I just tell you (and everyone else reading this) that the stinkin' fish didn't even taste good!?  

Before I got home this evening, I thought about tossing it - scrapping my dinner plans (especially after I read about the mercury risks...Did you know it's recommended that women and children do not eat swordfish at all and men eat it only a maximum of once per month??) and coming up with a more Ecologically Correct "Plan B" for dinner (a.k.a. leftovers). 

That is, until I thought of all the starving people in this world....(I would say China or Africa or somewhere else like that, but then I feel guilty for overlooking the poverty issue in the United States) and I decided I'd better not waste it.  The damage was already done, right?

Ha!  Our fish this evening was palatable at best.  

We ate it.  

It sustained our life for a little longer.  

But, let me confess:  I, for one, did not enjoy it.

...And I'm not even Catholic.