Happy Freakin' Valentine's Day.

Little Known Fact #214: Valentine's Day was invented by some lovesick teenaged boy lying around his room, pining for his latest girlfriend's pubescent body. They were just looking for an excuse to get some action.

All this mumbo-jumbo about this mysterious patron saint and legends of a crazy militant Roman emperor outlawing marriage is just a bunch of gump. It's a cover story.

Think about it.

We're coming off the heals of the holiday season. A very romantic, wintry season of gift-giving and traditions involving KISSING. Stealing a peck (or more) under some mistletoe, cuddling together to stay warm in the cold night air, girls swooning over their generous Christmas gifts, staying up late into the night with the object of your desire, stealing a New Year's Eve kiss. This holiday SCREAMS hormones! They needed to keep the momentum going! They needed just one more excuse to score big.

Who else could have done it?

A woman? Women try to get this sort of treatment from their men all year long. What makes you think a woman could have the power to get men throughout the world to behave like this at the same time?

A married man? I think not. Married men dread holidays like this more than anyone else in the world. It's just more pressure. What should I get her? Jewelry? Chocolate? Flowers? A card? Should I take her to dinner? A movie? Do I dare try to get creative and try something new or different? What if she doesn't like it? What if I make her mad? They just clawed their way out of the holiday season, by the skin of their teeth...what on earth would possess them to start that process all over again so soon? (They're not THAT stupid.)

A mother? Besides the above reasons why a woman alone could never have managed this...What would cause a mother to inflict this upon herself? Even IF your man remembers the holiday -- it still means more work for you. Addressing valentines with (or for) your children's classmates, buying teacher gifts, arranging for a babysitter (if you're so lucky to be taken to dinner or a movie), getting yourself dressed and ready (possibly requiring a new garment or shoes) while simultaneously preparing dinner and bathing children before the babysitter arrives (if you don't have to go pick them up). Not to mention finding time to buy a card or present for your husband. IN ADDITION to the usual routines and duties involved in running a household, parenting children, working outside the home, and being a wife-mother-daughter-sister-aunt-friend.

Valentine's Day Myth #69: The amount of time you spend primping on Valentine's Day is a direct indicator of how much you're "into" your valentine.

It's absurd, I know. However, some people actually believe this! I challenge you to do a little people watching on Valentine's Day night sometime. Notice the young couple (early college?) dressed up like they're going to a homecoming dance. Notice the high school kids at the movies - the girls wearing entirely too much make-up and the boys reeking of cologne. Their pores are actually oozing Obsession and Drakkar. (Oops, just aged myself there.) Seriously, do they BATHE in it?

Now, compare them to the married couple in their thirties. (For instance, Fire Daddy and I?) They're love has actually stood the test of time. What are they wearing? Blue jeans. Sure, they may have put on a nicer shirt than their usual t-shirts (or not), and they may have put on real shoes instead of their flip flops (or not). But THAT is love, folks.

Those youngins won't last the month.

After reading this, you might be thinking, "Boy. Some neurotic (yet classy) mommy must have had a stinky Valentine's Day this year..." Actually, I didn't. But that's another post entirely.