It's September 30th...Now What?

This day actually snuck up on me, believe it or not.

Wow. What a month it has been.

I'm bitten by the nostalgia bug right now. I feel a bit as though I'm graduating from something. I'm filled with sentiment and a dash of emptiness. No regret, though. (Well, except for that one day that I crashed without posting. A day that will live in infamy...)

As I bid adieu to the month my "Beautiful September", and I look back on my list of posts, I have to ask myself what I've learned.

1. Writing is not a strength everyday. Just like everything else, there are good days and bad days.

2. I need "me" time. And, writing can be that.

3. Prioritizing makes anything happen.

4. It is possible to burn out on writing. But, it is only temporary.

5. Writing daily truly transforms your thinking. There is a little burner in your mind that never really stops simmering.

6. Some days I want to write just for me - for no one else to see. Whether I keep it tucked away in a spiral somewhere, rip it up, or burn it, somethings are just for me.

Even after NaBloPoMo, I continue to struggle with some thoughts. For instance,

1. I read a quote from an author months ago that said something to the effect of "the day I became a writer was the day I stopped writing for myself and started writing for my audience". I have been through phases of thinking, with this blog especially, in which I've agreed and disagreed with that quote. True - it is MY blog. But, what good is a blog without readers? It may as well be in my spiral beside my bed. False - if I think not of myself, I don't like my writing...and if I don't like it, who will?

2. And, depending on which way the pendulum is swinging on that particular day, what is the purpose of this blog? Is there one? Is it a useful tool or a guilty pleasure?

And, finally, I'm left with a decision to make.

Now what?

The neurotic part of me sees this month as a failure. I missed a day. I cannot truly congratulate myself on a month of daily posting. Do I dare attempt a perfect month in October? If not October, another month?

The rational side of me, though, sees it for what it is, recognizes the feat it has been to pull this off - even imperfectly - and looks forward to the relief that comes from NOT "having to" post daily. That side of me also hopes that, without the pressure to produce even without true inspiration, the quality of my posts will improve and be more consistent. Elements of my life have definitely taken a blow from the relative neglect (even my sleep) because of this little pet project.

The insecure and needy side of me worries that perhaps my readers - even the silent ones - will go away. There is a nice reward in knowing folks are reading, even if their face doesn't appear on the sidebar and their name doesn't pop up in my comments.

So, here it is, September 30th, and I stand before you with many questions and few answers. I can say, though, that it has been a great month.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on my Beautiful September. Even you, ghost readers.

That's all for now. I'll see you tomorrow for a little Girl Talk.

Photo credits: http://www.flickr.com/photos/iheartlinen/ / CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

Do you ever...?

Today, we had a fire drill. Nothing out of the ordinary. A monthly routine at my school of dreams.

Unbeknownst to me, as I stood in the Florida sunshine amidst a grassy field of elementary school students at attention and their teachers stoically patroling, waiting for the "all clear", there was one child missing.

BigGirl.

A sea of nearly 1300 students and she was unaccounted for.

Luckily for me, (a) I was in the dark and never suspected for a second that her whereabouts were ever in question, and (b) she was never REALLY missing. There was just a misunderstanding about procedures for handling students in her weekly enrichment class. (Whew!)

However, afterwards, when I caught wind of her "disappearance", like any good mother, I thought for a minute (or two), those crazy paranoid thoughts that we all (I) think sometimes. Do you ever do that?

I imagined myself standing on that same soccer field, but this time, there was smoke. There were sirens. Then, a handful of people run to me with ominous looks on their faces. Their hands are on my back; they're supporting me with their strength as they explain that she's missing. I'm frantically begging for a cell phone as I remember my Blackberry is on my desk upstairs.

I call FireDaddy and cry as I, hysterically, demand him to, "Get in that firetruck and get over her and FIND OUR BABY AND GET HER OUT!!!"

Then, I snap out of it.

This isn't the first time my crazy, random fears have manifested into ultra-realistic daymares.

One minute, I'm innocently driving over the bridge, completely at ease behind the wheel. The next, I'm watching my car launch off the side of the bridge and careening into the river below. I can see the water rising outside of my car. My windows are darkening with the dirty, polluted water. The smell of oil and gas fills my diminishing air supply as I breathe. I reach for my handy-dandy car escape tool that My Mama gifted to everyone one Christmas. I fumble to cut my seatbelt and - God forbid my children are in the car - cut their belts as well. I struggle to break the glass and keep my head free from panic. The water is cold and my girls are heavy in my arms.

But, I shake it off. My car is dry and calm and the Jason Mraz is singing one of my favorites. My eyes once again focus on the road ahead of me as I feel the tension leave my shoulders and jaw loosen.

The superstitious side of me worries about thinking these horrors. If I think them, will they come true? The supernatural part of me worries they are premonitions. Will these be like those dreams of mine that later come true? Though they seem purely fiction at the time, will they one day be alive? Will I one day recognize that old, familiar feeling filling me, and think to myself, "So this is how it happens..." Even now, by letting these hallucinations leave my mind and take a presence on the internet, I worry that I will open a door and permit them into my life.

Do you ever think these things?

(P.S. I told you I was neurotic.)

Photo credits: http://www.flickr.com/photos/wwworks/ / CC BY 2.0

Monday Mentions

The author of one of the blogs that I consider a guilty pleasure (especially on Fridays) has started a new blog feature. I thought it was a great way to share new finds, discoveries, and favorites in a concise way, so, I'm jumping on the bandwagon. (To be clear, it was open invitation. I'm not jumping in uninvited...this time.)

So, without further ado...

• If you've been keeping up with me lately, you already know a little about the book I'm currently reading. But, another great book I read recently (recently is a relative term...especially given the fact that we're on the tail end of the back-to-school season) is Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. This book, I believe, fell into my life when it did for a reason. I found peace and guidance in reading about Gilbert's own quest for pleasure and balance in life. This book was a thought-provoking read. Her story was easy for me to relate to and comfortable to read. If you haven't yet read it, be sure to give it a try.
• This weekend I finally watched Blades of Glory. The day it arrived from Netflix, I smiled a giddy little girl smile to FireDaddy and waited for him to laugh in anticipation. Unfortunately, he did not. His reply? "Oh...yeah." Because of that reaction, I did not have high hopes for the movie. However, I love Will Ferrell and gave it a shot. While I would not say it was my FAVORITE of his movies, it was fun to watch and made me laugh. That's about all I was looking for, so sounds like a win for me! If you are into immature humor, like I am, be sure to toss it into your Netflix queue next time.
• Colbie Caillat's new album has been a fun new addition to my Zune recently. You can check out the video to her single, "Fallin' For You", here.
• If you're on twitter and haven't already checked him out, consider following @rainnwilson. (Yes, it's the actor who plays Dwight on The Office.) As mentioned above, I have an exaggerated appreciation for immature humor, and he's sure to dish it up on a daily basis. I've even been known to "retweet" his tweets via text messaging to FireDaddy (since FD isn't on twitter).
• I recently bit the bullet and bought Super Straight Relaxing Serum by Pureology as my stylist had been encouraging me to buy for months. And I'm SO glad I did! My hair is soft, straight, and dries in half the time! I cannot say enough about how much I'm loving this new to me product. (And I don't know if I'm happy or disgusted that I just found it available on Amazon.)
• This weekend, I did a little blog reading. (Emphasis on "a little".) One post I did get a chance to read was this one. Audrey talks about Facebook from a parent's perspective in a way that got my ball rolling a bit, too. Check it out.
• Another post I enjoyed reading and thinking about was by my good bloggy buddy, Cheryl. Right now, she is my writing hero. She's inspiring me to slowly get off my bootie and write - for real.

That about sums it up for this week's Monday Mentions. If you're interested in reading other folks' mentionables, check in at the Daily Mish Mash for some links.

Happy reading!

A Good Book

I have to be honest, I'd rather be reading right now.

I started a book this summer on vacation, temporarily (well, for a matter of months) abandoned it during the mad rush months of the back-to-school season, and recently picked it back up again. And now, I'd rather be reading.

I've found time for my book on the recumbent bike. It's my reward for giving the treadmill a good go. Afterwards, I get to sit back and enjoy some mind candy as I pedal.

The problem? That's really all the time I've had for it recently. You see, I'm swimming in a sea of papers to grade, an ocean of other school work, and a little aquarium of blogging. And there are these little sucker fishies who keep attaching themselves to the sides of my glass tank...

Perhaps you're wondering what book I'm reading. Among Other Things, I've Taken Up Smoking by Aoibheann Sweeney, is the story of a girl who grew up alone on an island off the coast of Maine with her father. (No, not that type of island...this is no Blue Lagoon or Swiss Family Robinson.) She grew up alone, really, since her father was no companion. He was eccentric and reserved and could not, to say the least, relate to a young person. Now, she's moved to New York City to work and stay at an institute of classical studies. This is not something she's doing by choice, since she really doesn't know what she wants. But, she's doing it.

This book is right up my alley. It is the story of an internal struggle. A story of a character's journey in life and quest for themself, a place, fulfillment, relationships, truth. Right now, she's a fish out of water. I'm hoping, and crossing my fingers, that she meets a nice, young, handsome tang and they can find a little piece of coral to call home. I'm hoping that she discovers her own strengths, talents, interests and can get a job or find a school somewhere in the deep blue sea. But, unfortunately, I'm thinking things will get worse before they get better. There is definitely something bubbling under the surface that I was not expecting...

Now, if you will excuse me, I'm off to steal a moment or two for a chapter before my eyelids get too heavy.

A very uncharacteristic post, indeed.

FireDaddy announced today, "I'm done with NFL."

Woo-hoo!

I'm thrilled that he has come around to my way of thinking.

First of all, I really don't give two cents about sports, overall. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against sports. They teach kids a lot of valuable skills, they keep teens off the streets and in school, and they are great for building community. But, they're not "my thing".

That is, with the exception of Gator Football.

Glory be, I love the Gators!

I've never been able to get behind any professional teams, especially on a long-term basis. There was the time (this is where I age myself) when the Magic was in the finals and it was, coincidentally, my Senior year in high school. The entire town of Orlando was on fire with their love for the Magic. Shaquille O'Neal had a sister that attended my high school and was in my graduating class. (In fact, Shaquille and I shared the stage momentarily at my graduation, but that's another post...) It was like sacrilege to NOT pull for the Magic. So, I watched the games a little with my Daddy and wrote "The Magic and Me are Winning!" in white shoe polish on the rear window of my little red Mustang. (By the way, I was completely aware that this was grammatically incorrect. I liked the alliteration, OK? And, I thought "Magic and Me" sounded a lot like "Magic IN Me"...I enjoyed taking literary privileges even then.)

Then there was the brief period of time I was a "die-hard" Jaguars fan. I was new to the Jacksonville area. My father-in-law had season tickets and we enjoyed frequenting games with Club Seats. (The ONLY way to experience NFL, if you ask me.) But, after spending a little time in the stands, I quickly realized that the atmosphere in an NFL stadium is nothing like the atmosphere in the Swamp...or any college football stadium, for that matter.

It's a matter of heart. And, it's a matter of money.

I am completely turned off by the monetary motivations behind all things NFL. It's too commercial and that makes it a bit trashy to me. (Here's where I get tacky...) I do not enjoy sitting in stands with middle-aged, overweight, drunken men. I do not enjoy watching adult men report to work on a football field. Personally, I cannot summon loyalty for a team that will drop it all and leave for a few more bucks, especially when they're already making quite a few bucks to begin with.

What I DO enjoy, is singing songs and screaming your heart out on the sidelines of a game filled with passion, tradition, and youth. I love the "your life on the line" feeling the players and fans still feel - even when the game is a given. I love their commitment and drive, even if it does cause them to do stupid things like play football while they have the flu. I love the intense rivalry between foes, especially when they're fun-loving and good-humored about it. (Which, unfortunately, isn't all of them...) That is something I can get behind.

I'll never forget watching the 1996 National Championship game from my parents' couch. I was SO worked up, anxious, and tense my Daddy told me I should take a walk! "Go run around the block!" he laughed.

Last year, my parents, FireDaddy, the girlies and I all watched Florida play in the SEC Championship game from my den. Earlier in the day, BigGirl had danced at a holiday recital. We left as early as possible to rush home and support The Boys from Old Florida. Together, we shared that same sense of urgency and nervous tension. I saw myself in BigGirl's eyes as she bit her lip and pleaded for a win. We broke out good luck pillows and t-shirts; we cheered loud enough to be heard through the television. It was definitely a win we'll remember for a long time to come.

Today, BigGirl and I showed our pride and decked ourselves out in our Gator Girl gear. As we drove down the road, I overheard BabyGirl in the backseat announce to BigGirl, "I SEE GO GATORS!!!" The car beside us proudly flew a Florida flag. Their subsequent conversation was brief, yet adorable. They squealed their delight and sang a quick little cheer.

I know some NFL teams have heart. I know some NFL fans have die-hard loyalty. But, I believe, it's fewer than those without. Blackouts, contracts, criminal players - they've ruined it. And, quite honestly, I wouldn't mind if they go bankrupt. All of them.

TGIF - and I'm not being sarcastic.

You all know the world would be a better place if more people consulted me before making decisions, right? Well, I agree.

Early this morning, I was making (another) statement to that effect about some decision made by some unnamed person with which I, apparently, did not agree. BigGirl overheard me speaking about their "brilliant decision" and interjected.

"Doesn't sound like they were brilliant to me," she corrected me.

"I know. I was being sarcastic," I explained.

Throughout the day, I became increasingly aware of how much I must use sarcasm...at least on a Friday. (I'm hoping that I just tend to be more sarcastic when I'm tired. Surely that's it, right?) Everytime I said something sarcastic, BigGirl picked up on it. "Was that sarcasm?" "Are you being sarcastic?"

I don't usually describe myself as sarcastic, but from where I'm sitting right now, wow. I need to cut back! I feel like the smoker who finally opened their eyes and realized how many packs they were smoking each day. And, to think, I have wondered from where my darling daughter gets her flippant replies and tart little remarks??

I'm reminded daily how much work I've cut out for myself...just imagine her as a teenager!

On a happy (unsarcastic) note...

Congratulations, Cheryl! You won the free poster from digitalroom.com! I'm sure the picture of your neices will look FABULOUS - and what a great gift idea! :)

TGIF, everyone! May your Saturday be super and your Sunday be simple!

Trashy Dime Store Paperback Novels

Welcome back, Thursday! It's time again for a little Girl Talk!

Today's question: If you were in a romance novel, what would your story be?

First of all, like a few other participants, I've never really been into true romance books. I remember being a teenager and reading teen versions of romance books. I read my fair share of books with titles like Two Boy Cruise, So Inn Love, and other bubble gum teen novels like that. As a young adult, I locked myself in my room and cried all day as I read Gone With the Wind and other period romances (Eugenia Price books, for instance). I have shed at least a gallon of tears reading books by James Patterson and other authors who really know how to write about LOVE. Tragic love. But, I've never really been big into the "novels" that are really more of a lady's version of porn.

So, I'm feeling a bit uncreative with this, but I am telling the truth.

If I were in a romance novel, it would be a historical piece. But, I think I'd rather it be more of an Elizabethan era romance. I'd like to taste a little forbidden love. Just picture it, everyone is inside this gorgeous, gilded mansion, dancing in neat and proper rows. Ladies barely touching their dance partner's palms as they curtsy and step lightly in formation.

But, one lovely lady (a.k.a. THAT'S ME!), politely excuses herself from the party. Perhaps she is even betrothed to someone else. (Surely he's wealthy and a well-suited match for her station.) But, she doesn't love him. Secretly, she tingles and blushes for another.

She innocently meanders into the evening air, where, unbeknownst to her, the man who owns her heart is alone. Quietly, stealthily, one thing quickly leads to another and...well, who knew corsets could be undone so quickly?

So, who is this secret lover for whom she decides to risk it all? Well, he would ABSOLUTELY not be one of those sissy, prissy men you see depicted in historical fiction at times (Ahem, Ashley in Gone With the Wind...). He would be masculine, an excellent horseman, and, of course, handsome. Dashing. Drop dead gorgeous. His eyes make women swoon and his grin stops hearts. Perhaps he's a bit badly behaved at times...just enough to start a few whispers and gossip among the ladies. He would be socially accepted, yet remain truer to his heart than to the rules of etiquette and society. In fact, perhaps he need not be socially accepted, after all. I'm thinking a cross between Rhett Butler and Mr. Knightly (Emma by Jane Austen).

The rest of the story, I don't know. But, it has to have a happy ending. I really don't care for sad endings. Sad endings happen enough the real world; they are unnecessary in fiction.