I never liked slumber parties. After the fun and games concluded, my peers drifted away as quickly as they had arrived. And I would lay wide-eyed, growing more homesick with each passing minute.
Dark nights are lonely. The quiet of a sleeping house grows loud in your ears as you try to tune out the world and turn down your thoughts. Being surrounded by strange breathing and the unfamiliar ticks, creaks, and sighs of a home that isn’t yours is alarming. Time stops as you resign yourself to a sleepless night.
Insomnia at home takes on a different form.
The tiny glow of an alarm clock squeezes beneath your eyelid and demands alertness. Your worries, hopes, lists of things you can’t forget and things you absolutely must do are amplified to the maximum level, like erratic drumming from your neighbor’s garage. You are helpless.
There are nights I find myself praying. I whisper The Lord’s Prayer and then I talk to God – heaven – my angels – myself.
There are nights I read. I toss and turn. I change my gown. I get up and watch a movie or do some work. I write.
Some nights I climb into bed with BigGirl and hold her like the teddy bear I had as a little girl – the one that wore a soft pink day gown from my days as a seven-pound infant.
And, there are nights I cry. There always have been, for as long as I can remember. I cry as I pray in the dark. I cry until my eyes are dry and burn.
Sweet sleep, why must you be so elusive? Why must we play these games – you play hard to get and I chase you until my frustration tells me to give up. Move on. It must not be meant to be.
Oh, sweet sleep. Why do you not favor me? Why must you tease me so? You fill the night with your lullaby – your sweet, siren song – and I jump ship, hoping to find you, hoping you will come looking for me. But, you remain just outside of my reach – evading my best tactics, once again.
And yet, each night, I try again. Like a foolish lover, I wait for you in the night.
Again and again.
Yesterday, tonight, and tomorrow.
I lay alone and I wait.
That post was poetic. <3 I also didn't like sleeping over at other people's houses. I still have problems with that.
ReplyDelete<3
ReplyDeleteeloquent and lovely.
i am so sorry you don't sleep. i have no idea how you stay so happy, positive and exuding sunshine when you run on empty so often. honey you realize i'm gonna worry more now, right?
love you!