Baby Claire

Author’s note: Bear with me as I fast forward a bit, please.

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The little pink line, faint as it began to emerge, pushed tears through Ione’s eyes.  It brought back too much.  Memories of hospitals and bedrooms darkened by drawn curtains and days that made her heart claw ferociously stood before her mind, front and center. 

It wasn’t supposed to happen like this.  She needed Hank to be home.  She wanted him there with her.  She longed to curl up in their bed together, bury her face into his shoulder and cry again for Claire, before letting happy tears fall for this second chance baby.

This baby would help make losing sweet Claire a little more bearable.  This baby would help heal the hole she carried.

Ione knew she would never entirely be free from this pain, but she hoped one  day she might be able to look into a baby’s cheery little eyes and not see the daughter she’d lost.  Perhaps one day she could hear a girly giggle or see a curly pigtail tied in a bow without feeling like she’d been robbed of her chance at motherhood.

Claire was like a porcelain doll.  Her tiny round face strengthened by Hank’s square jaw.  Perfect little cupid’s bow lips, smooth and pink, begged to be kissed.  Eyelashes and fingers that stretched on and on gracefully.  She was already a little lady at only less than a day, a beautiful little lady.

One day was not long enough.  Ione remembered a time she had wished she would just die, too.  Why not leave this world and be with Claire?  Maybe there she could hold her baby again.  She imagined sleeping next to her; watching those tiny lady fingers wrap around her own; feeling the smooth, soft roundness of Claire’s head as it fit in the palm of her hand.

Sweet, baby Claire.   Your mommy loves you.  I’ll love you forever.  I’ll never forget you, baby.  This one – this new baby – will not make me forget you.  No one can do that.  I’ll love you forever.  We’ll be together one day, baby, I promise.  Wait for me, Claire.  Wait for Mommy.  I promise I’ll come for you.

But now, she needed to stay for this baby. 

What will Hank say?  How will I tell him?  Dear God, please God, keep this baby safe.

I can’t do this again.

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Photo credit:  http://www.flickr.com/photos/clogwog/ / CC BY-NC-SA 2.0