Just a Little Ladies Room Locker Talk

Warning: The collective hotness of the population within this post may burn you, your computer monitor, and/or the surface on which your computer is resting. If you are not willing to run this risk, run the other way. In other words, if you can't take the heat, step back Jack, 'cause we's divin' into a steamin' pot of hotties.

Big Girl: Mommy, you can't tell anyone my secret, ESPECIALLY Daddy!

Me: (dazed and confused) OK....What is it?

Big Girl: I'm secretly crushing on Cute Kid from my class. But you CAN NOT tell Daddy!

Me: Really? He is cute, isn't he? I like him. He's a nice boy! I won't tell Daddy, but if we did want to tell him it's not that big of a deal, you know.

Big Girl: NO!!! You can't tell him! Besides, he doesn't have to know because I'm not going to do anything about it. I'm just going to secretly crush on him until I'm 12. By then, maybe he won't be afraid of girls anymore and I will tell him I like him.

It starts early, doesn't it?

I have to be honest. She got it from me.

My first boyfriend (that I remember) was in the first grade. His name was Chris. We snuck out of the classroom (he first, with the big wooden boys bathroom pass, then I with the ginormous girl pass). We met outside the hall bathrooms. He asked me to marry him and I declined. When he drew the line in the sand and announced his ultimatum ("Marry me or I'll break up with

you."), I stood my ground. "We can't get married! We're too young!" And, as quickly as the love affair began, the flame was extinguished.

Not to worry, Chris and I rekindled our passion in the third grade. It was WAAAAY more exciting this time, since we were actually two corners of a love triangle. You see, his best friend, Kris, also liked me. And, well, I liked being liked. I strung them along as long as it entertained to me....and then quit them both cold turkey.

That's right. I was a man eater, people. I'm not proud of it, but it's true.

Now, FireDaddy and I have been linked for a dozen years. I'm honest with him. He knows there are other men. In fact, when I asked him tonight to name my top five absentee lovers, he was spot on. (We know each other too well.)

My top five (wannabe) loves OTHER THAN my own fiery FireDaddy are:

(Drum roll, please...)

1. John Cusack. If you've been reading for a while, you knew this already. John and I have had a thing going for decades. He's smart, we share political views, he's talented and can be swarthy - while still possessing a fabulous sense of humor. Yummy.

2. Jack Johnson. Another one that's old news to my wonderful readers. H-O-T, HOT. Oh my goodness, he can serenade me on the beach anyday, baby. Surfer, musician, and fine.

3. Jason Mraz. A new inductee to my "Men In Waiting". Glory be - his music is a little "suggestive"...and I kind of like it! He, too, is talented and most obviously has a sense of humor. ...not to mention CUTE.

4. Gerard Butler. Another new inductee...WOAH. Hot, talented, AND SCOTTISH. A man with a sexy accent inflates his hotness EXPONENTIALLY. Whew! I must say, though...the Alyssa Milano's wedding issue of People - a magazine I bought for FireDaddy (Alyssa is his #1 absentee lover) - had a rather scary picture of him riding a bike with what looked like a bit of man boobs...ugh. I'm hoping it was just a bad angle. Otherwise, he'd better hit the gym or he's out!

Now, I have to preface the listing of last Candidate For Pleasure with the caveat that his status is currently on probation. His behavior over the past few years has been a bit of a turn-off...in the Woody Harrelson way. (i.e. You're cute, but get over yourself...getting a little weird, buddy.)

5. Matthew McConaughey. The good news? He's always reminded me of FireDaddy. Don't know what it is...but there's something about his facial features, clear blue eyes and that curly, dirty blonde hair that just seems familiar to me. His Southern accent (GO TEXAS!) also adds to his overall appeal. And, he too is a man at home on the beach....another bonus.

He's just so freakin' hot. It would be a cryin' shame to lose him.

I sure hope he gets his act together before we hook up.

Now, if anybody needs me, I'm going to my room to swoon. I think I need a cool compress.